A lot of times I don't listen to everything that I hear either coming from people around me or a voice inside me. When I hear affirming words about me, my instant tendency is to dismiss them by thinking, "I have done it better in the past," or "I actually messed up here or there," or something to the effect that what I did or say was not is not a representation of who I am. All of this comes down to the fact that I do not feel like I am worthy of being praised, even though it is something I need to hear.
This comes from a feeling inside me, a false me that says, you, as you are, are no good and should not get anything praise worthy. Obviously a lie that has had me so clinched in its grasp that I was living it, made me scared of people, made me scared of being good at anything. I still get scared at stuff that I am good at.
The enemy's aim is direct and brutal. It takes affect when we choose to listen to that voice that says we can't. That becomes a wound. God Ironically will attack exactly where that wound is and reopen it. It seems cruel, but it now will heal after He gets done with it, and after you let him reopen it and heal through it with Him.
God will say you are good, and you are worthy of that praise, job well done. It is scary for me to think about that, why? I want it to be true so desperately, and to be called a man by Him, that If I don't get it, it will hurt once more, so I embrace that hurt before I am let down, (even though God doesn't let his children down, or anyone for that fact) because it will feel like it hurts less.
Trying to trust that I will not fall into that hurt is the struggle, and relying on God to say when I do fail that you are a man because you tried.
I see that I have gone on again, more to come.
Showing posts with label wild at heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wild at heart. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Time to rise to the fall... and thoughts
(Preface: Most of this writing is not in particular order, but it has what was in my head at the time, and most of you who know me, my mind does not work sequentially or in order according to standard rules of life. Call them ramblings, call them stray thoughts, call them whatever you want, but it does have to do with the topic, You have been warned of non-congruent thoughts.)
I have read Wild at Heart 3 times previous to doing this study with other guys, and just now am I beginning to process and work through the parts of life that the book hits. I know that there is something inside a man the cries out let me be a MAN, but all there is is the hollow echo in my head that just says only if...
Chapter 4 and 5 starts hitting this hollow echo for some, and others it is worse because they hear a louder sound saying your not able to be a man. This sound that repeats itself so loudly is usually the voice that comes from Dad, or a father figure.
Masculinity is past on from man to man and usually takes a long time or a huge event to secure that presence inside of that boy/man. 3rd world countries have initiation into manhood and after that they are treated as a man. No puberty, no insecure ideas from society that says you have to be such and such to be a real man.
Boys become responsible when they are given the responsibilities of a man, and when a man receives the responsibilities of a boy, they either reject it, or shrink back into a lesser state...boyish tendencies. Even questioning the role of manhood to a certain man can strike at the heart of the already frail pot and send him into regression. Sometimes this comes out as anger, to the person who did it, the world, even God. Sometimes this comes out fear and shyness. A man is not made to hide in the corner with a blanket, (although some would like them to be there) a man is made to standout, and to come through in crunch time, to be the hero that we all know he was made to be.
As I look into myself I see some parts of my history that have shaped me as who I am. I remember a time my Dad said that I should not be in wrestling because it would screw up my neck and other potential stuff, even though it was my only sport I wanted to be in. (Football was out of the question as well.) There is more to the story but I am keeping it short. I have since then question the activities that I have done base on whether or not it would be "safe" for me to do. I see the hesitancy in myself with challenges that come into my life and how it has created a path to where I am today, job I have, what I do and not do for fun.
Since knowing this I am seeing opportunities that I have missed and missing because of that insecurity of choosing the "right" path according to my hurt and not wanting to hurt again. This thought and action limits myself in the perspective of relation to God and what I do for Him. I feel like I have been changing my life since coming to this realization and changing my own paradigm, and I feel more a live in a way, also I feel a tug at the same time trying to pull me back to my old habit of safeness with life choices.
I am saying all of this to get you guys to start thinking about what hurt has affected you through your life. I mentioned a small incident, but it has had some larger effects throughout my life. Take a look a and reflect, don't worry about how big or how small it was, look at how it has changed your life, and run it through the course of your history. What has this done to your view of God and how has it hindered it.
I have read Wild at Heart 3 times previous to doing this study with other guys, and just now am I beginning to process and work through the parts of life that the book hits. I know that there is something inside a man the cries out let me be a MAN, but all there is is the hollow echo in my head that just says only if...
Chapter 4 and 5 starts hitting this hollow echo for some, and others it is worse because they hear a louder sound saying your not able to be a man. This sound that repeats itself so loudly is usually the voice that comes from Dad, or a father figure.
Masculinity is past on from man to man and usually takes a long time or a huge event to secure that presence inside of that boy/man. 3rd world countries have initiation into manhood and after that they are treated as a man. No puberty, no insecure ideas from society that says you have to be such and such to be a real man.
Boys become responsible when they are given the responsibilities of a man, and when a man receives the responsibilities of a boy, they either reject it, or shrink back into a lesser state...boyish tendencies. Even questioning the role of manhood to a certain man can strike at the heart of the already frail pot and send him into regression. Sometimes this comes out as anger, to the person who did it, the world, even God. Sometimes this comes out fear and shyness. A man is not made to hide in the corner with a blanket, (although some would like them to be there) a man is made to standout, and to come through in crunch time, to be the hero that we all know he was made to be.
As I look into myself I see some parts of my history that have shaped me as who I am. I remember a time my Dad said that I should not be in wrestling because it would screw up my neck and other potential stuff, even though it was my only sport I wanted to be in. (Football was out of the question as well.) There is more to the story but I am keeping it short. I have since then question the activities that I have done base on whether or not it would be "safe" for me to do. I see the hesitancy in myself with challenges that come into my life and how it has created a path to where I am today, job I have, what I do and not do for fun.
Since knowing this I am seeing opportunities that I have missed and missing because of that insecurity of choosing the "right" path according to my hurt and not wanting to hurt again. This thought and action limits myself in the perspective of relation to God and what I do for Him. I feel like I have been changing my life since coming to this realization and changing my own paradigm, and I feel more a live in a way, also I feel a tug at the same time trying to pull me back to my old habit of safeness with life choices.
I am saying all of this to get you guys to start thinking about what hurt has affected you through your life. I mentioned a small incident, but it has had some larger effects throughout my life. Take a look a and reflect, don't worry about how big or how small it was, look at how it has changed your life, and run it through the course of your history. What has this done to your view of God and how has it hindered it.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Chapter 1 continued questions
When thinking about the goals that you have or had but lost, what was the biggest accomplishment that you would have like to have done, win a debate in a large setting, land a huge deal in business, what big fish would you like to catch, what would like to kill?
Every Boy and Man wants to know that they are powerful. When you watch a movie, read a book about a "powerful" man, what does that make you feel/think inside. Evaluate that and ponder why God put that drive in you. What type of story make you do this?
What makes you aggressive, angry, driven. what is your stance on being Fierce.
Do you see God having an adventure for you to live out? What is that.
Being in an adventure and emotions being stirred are connected, what type of adventure moves you, and what moves you into action.
Every warrior is tested and tried, fighting battles. What battles/testing/trying have you fought? If none lately is this a reflection of you not living out the adventure God has for you?
Man was created in the wild, woman was created in the protected garden, what could this mean instinctively for the way we handle situations, problems, adventure?
Every Boy and Man wants to know that they are powerful. When you watch a movie, read a book about a "powerful" man, what does that make you feel/think inside. Evaluate that and ponder why God put that drive in you. What type of story make you do this?
What makes you aggressive, angry, driven. what is your stance on being Fierce.
Do you see God having an adventure for you to live out? What is that.
Being in an adventure and emotions being stirred are connected, what type of adventure moves you, and what moves you into action.
Every warrior is tested and tried, fighting battles. What battles/testing/trying have you fought? If none lately is this a reflection of you not living out the adventure God has for you?
Man was created in the wild, woman was created in the protected garden, what could this mean instinctively for the way we handle situations, problems, adventure?
Monday, July 7, 2008
Movie
I wanted to thank those who blogged on the previous questions, feel free to continue to write down your responses on any of the blogs current or past.
I want to stress the importance of taking your time and reflecting on the challenges that come before you in the chapters. Take your time.
I will continue to ask questions about chapter 1 later, but for those of you who are continuing on to chapter 2, watch the movie Brave Heart FIRST! I will try to get something set up within the next week to 2 weeks for those of you what want to watch this movie as a group.
The next meeting is July 31th.
I want to stress the importance of taking your time and reflecting on the challenges that come before you in the chapters. Take your time.
I will continue to ask questions about chapter 1 later, but for those of you who are continuing on to chapter 2, watch the movie Brave Heart FIRST! I will try to get something set up within the next week to 2 weeks for those of you what want to watch this movie as a group.
The next meeting is July 31th.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
First Chapter
Welcome to the 1st chapter discussion. Please post any comment on the relevant chapter and question. Go ahead and blog as anonymous or if you like use your name. I want to generate questions that will create us men as MEN. Meetings are 6-26, 7-31, 8-28, 9-25
1)Did anything strike or move you from what was said?
2)What did you want to be when you grew up, what happend that made you stop?
3)Did you have a goal or dream that has been lost because it was not "nice" or what a "Good Christian" has as a dream?
4)Do you agree women want to come on the adventure?
5)How has Church played a roll in creating men... good or bad?
6)What would you do if you had a bottomless bank account?
1)Did anything strike or move you from what was said?
2)What did you want to be when you grew up, what happend that made you stop?
3)Did you have a goal or dream that has been lost because it was not "nice" or what a "Good Christian" has as a dream?
4)Do you agree women want to come on the adventure?
5)How has Church played a roll in creating men... good or bad?
6)What would you do if you had a bottomless bank account?
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