What you long to hear

A lot of times I don't listen to everything that I hear either coming from people around me or a voice inside me. When I hear affirming words about me, my instant tendency is to dismiss them by thinking, "I have done it better in the past," or "I actually messed up here or there," or something to the effect that what I did or say was not is not a representation of who I am. All of this comes down to the fact that I do not feel like I am worthy of being praised, even though it is something I need to hear.

This comes from a feeling inside me, a false me that says, you, as you are, are no good and should not get anything praise worthy. Obviously a lie that has had me so clinched in its grasp that I was living it, made me scared of people, made me scared of being good at anything. I still get scared at stuff that I am good at.

The enemy's aim is direct and brutal. It takes affect when we choose to listen to that voice that says we can't. That becomes a wound. God Ironically will attack exactly where that wound is and reopen it. It seems cruel, but it now will heal after He gets done with it, and after you let him reopen it and heal through it with Him.

God will say you are good, and you are worthy of that praise, job well done. It is scary for me to think about that, why? I want it to be true so desperately, and to be called a man by Him, that If I don't get it, it will hurt once more, so I embrace that hurt before I am let down, (even though God doesn't let his children down, or anyone for that fact) because it will feel like it hurts less.

Trying to trust that I will not fall into that hurt is the struggle, and relying on God to say when I do fail that you are a man because you tried.

I see that I have gone on again, more to come.